Save the Giraffe
Editor in Charge
PETA and Green Peace have teamed up to solve one of the most significant problems to face mankind since the aliens attacked the world on July 4th, 1996, only to be saved by Will Smith. This world-shattering issue is the dramatic decrease in the number of giraffes worldwide. This is most evident in the most profound areas of the rainforest. They found that one of the leading causes of the demise of the giraffe was the height of the vegetation on the trees. This phenomenon is best described below by our in-house expert.
The higher foliage requires the giraffe to reach higher. This has prompted a new scientific breakthrough that crosses the DNA of a giraffe with the DNA of an American Landrace breed of hog. The Landrace has the most significant number of ribs in the hog family, with 16 or 17 pairs. * The genetic material in the Landrace is being added to the genetic material in the giraffe neck genome. This has produced giraffes with more prolonged and better-tasting necks. There have been a few hundred thousand giraffes bred with this new adaptation.
The one issue both groups have had trouble dealing with is the disposal of the different giraffe breeding attempts. After a herd has been modified and allowed to mature, the herd needs to be destroyed if the test is a failure. This has caused much stress and tension in the groups. The stress has been more detrimental to PETA workers. They are vegan and have not been able to stress eat. The members of the Green Peace team have been well consoled and are all fans of Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce.
Atmospheric Leaf Growth Explained
Dr. Beakman
As the CO2 levels increase, foliage at the tops of the trees is growing at an exponentially higher rate. I mean that both figuratively and literally. Climate change is real, folks, and it is about time we appreciate the massive destruction that is soon to come. The increase in CO2 is causing the root density to increase, and in turn, the ant population is exploding out of control. The ant population increases have resulted in a growing anteater flatulence issue. This foul gas is destroying the lower levels of vegetation. The trees are beginning to humanize and develop intelligence centers. The intelligence centers require high vegetation levels at escalating altitudes as they facilitate themselves away from the foul odor. The results of all this science gobbledygook are probably obvious to even the most obtuse, but I will give you my conclusion. The stupid giraffes can no longer reach the leaves. This study was brought to you by Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce.
Bonus Story — Scientist possibly defrauding US government
Editor in Charge
Scientists studying tribes in the deep rainforests are coming under scrutiny. For years they have been requesting aid for a reported starving population. The study includes high protein deficiency along with hair loss and depression. * The newly appointed TWBP (Trump Wants to Be Popular) team of movers and shakers was deployed to see if the reports were true.
The TWBP returned with a report of “FAKE NEWS.” The tribes in question were found suffering from obesity rates higher than in the United States. The scientists previously studying the tribes have been urging the TWBP team that this is a new development. They also insist that 98% of all scientific evidence supports their conclusion. The Biden team is not convinced. However, Biden has seen photos of the living conditions and feels that some aid should be sent to the region. He feels that the portly population should have better access to health care. He has convinced Sweet Baby Rays BBQ sauce to sponsor a hospital specializing in cardiac care. The beefy citizenry of the region is suffering from an increase in heart disease. This specific type of heart disease is most commonly seen in people that eat tons of ribs. There is not a large hog population in the region. Scientists are baffled.
In exchange for the donated hospital, President Biden has announced that all government-run institutions will now have Sweet Baby Ray’s brand sauces exclusively. This has led to another controversy. It appears that Sweet Baby Rays is a Corporation run through a shell company of a Biden entitlement organization funded by the Taliban and supported by a Russian oligarchy that only hires ex-ISIS military members.
*are-there-health-downsides-to-vegetarian-diets
Green Peace, Oh, but for a Misunderstanding
Sarah Jean Williams
I am always behind the Green Peace organization. With all the wars in the world, it is remarkable that an organization is promoting peace. I tried to join Green Peace once, but there was an unfortunate misunderstanding. I interviewed in my green tie-dyed shirt while displaying a peace flag. They ran me off, yelling something about no hippies. It wasn’t very clear, so I decided to support them morally. I want to donate financially, but I spent all my funds on the shirt and flag. Maybe we can get large companies like Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce to donate to Green Peace.
I am not a fan of the color choice for Green Peace. I love the color green, but I have utter disdain for St. Patrick’s Day. This holiday is the worst, with all the gimmicks that promote anti-little person discrimination and theft. When I think of all the gold stolen from persons of lower heights, I get sick to my stomach. I can’t believe there have not been organized events around the celebration of St. Patrick’s Day. If I were not so focused on the Flutter Bird, I would organize an event. I think this might be something to get a few celebrities behind. It has been more than 20 years since Will Smith saved the world. Maybe he can help defeat the abhorrent event we refer to as St Patrick’s Day. #willsmithsaveusall
I Love Me some GMOs
Ed Malloy
GMO products are the best. You only want to put the best into your body when you are the best. I love it when a company takes the time to make the perfect combination of nutrients and vitamins to make me my best. I know the ladies appreciate it. Remember to email me at hunkyman@allstud.net. Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce is that perfect combination. I am happy that the government is stepping in and requiring the sauce in all federal buildings. Government intrusion in the free market is excellent.
I might invest in this giraffe thing. The idea of giraffe farms all over the US is appealing. I hope the government won’t create too many rules. I once tried to start a potato rehydration plant. I reported on a potato-related issue back in October of last year. My mind is like a steel trap that is always turning. The government was looking into restricting potato commerce across state lines. I decided to classify dehydrated potatoes differently, transport them, and rehydrate them in other states. The government made the regulations too tight for me to start the business. Like I always say, “Government intrusion in the free market is the worst.”
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